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END OF THE LINE
September 11 What To Wear, What To Wear: Project Target''EOTL' has several NYTF events at which to strike a pose this week and we don't have one damn thing to wear. We want to come off edgey but not douche-y, clean but not cloying, creative but not batshit, SexyBack not SexAddicted...
So we allotted ourselves eighty-five bones and some change from the EOTL Marketing kitty and we let ourselves loose on the workingman's fashion boutiques of Brooklyn for sassy makeovers and Whole New Lives.
First up: Baume coiffant. Sounds fruity but hair product is all-important especially in this day and age of Metrosexual Not-Really Gay Rights and Queer-Seeming Liberation and whatnot. We went with Dixie Peach because it looks like lard, smells like Gramma, and for two bucks or so you get a tub of the shit. More is more!
Next: Q-Tips. Ear Wax is an Ear Don't. Get up in there and swab, fellas!
Shirts. Who doesn't like 'New York Fuckin' City' shirts? And since this is the New York Television Festival, Team EOTL is proud to splay our 'tudes across our freshly plucked chests. Eat it, rest of the country!
Cologne: We rolled around in a borrowed issuse of Maxim magazine and viola! We smell like fresh money!
Unders: We went with Towncraft because with a name like 'Towncraft' it's gotta be good.
Pants: We hate ass-rosettes so we didn't get too fancy here...instead we blew our wad on can-flattening Dockers (our worked-out bubble butts are far too distracting...we want our work to speak for us, not our ginormous ghetto booties).
Socks: Hanes: The last word in man-hosiery.
Shoes: Plastic Ventilated He-Clogs, of course. We're gonna be on our feet all day and sensible shoes are key when you're trying to focus and be funny and charming and savvy and shit.
So. Lookin' good, feelin' good and the wallet survives with a few greenbacks for car service and Popeye's left over.
Suh-weet!
September 08 Pink-Haired Anime Samurai Dudes, Spoonie Gee Transmissions And Thou.Okay, now is when 'End Of The Line' has to wake the frick up and face our co-Official Selections. And so Team EOTL hunkered down, gathered around our laptops as we clutched our Smart Waters and watched the trailers.
Oh shit.
After we saw the trailers and wept softly, we huddled and decided to take the 'New York Actor Nominated For An Academy Award Approach' to the competition as none of us has agents who can make that decision for us:
AWARD CEREMONIES ARE DEMEANING! WHAT KINDA DOG AND PONY SHOW IS THIS? LITTLE MISS GOLDEN GLOBE CAN F*CK HERSELF! BOO! BOO, FASCIST TASTE-MAKERS! WE HATE YOU! THE NOMINATION IS HONORIFIC ENOUGH! THANKS! BOO! WINNING BLOWS/SUCKS!
...then we dialed-up our dear friend Satcheen Littlefeather who will sit in the audience in our stead should we in the off-chance win for Best Also-Rans.
We're hoovering Klonopin like its going out of style. August 30 Networking/Starf*ckingSo Drinksalot The Sexless Troll escapes from Wisco with landlords and The God Squad snapping at his heels. O'Hare Airport is a pleasant place to cool one's jets, particularly if there's a celebrity inhaling a sub immediately to one's left. Gosh but that long-faced girl looks like Chloe Sevigny. What would Chloe Sevigny be doing at this American Airlines terminal all by herself and why is she reading that huge, post-it tagged book? Chloe Sevigny sure does eat with gusto. No napkin, Chloe? Wow. There's something endearing about celebs who eat everyday deli food instead of gourmet twigs and gravel or whatever it is that rich, famous people eat. This long-faced girl is definitely Chloe Sevigny because she's doing that incongruously prim lip-pursing, hair tucking business that Chloe Sevigny is rumoured to do. What if I just walked up to her and said "Hey Chloe Sevigny, we share the same birthday!" It's like looking down from a bridge and wanting to jump just because you can. I want to lose control and say something really fucked up to her. "Hey Chloe Sevigny, I'm an alcoholic too!" Would she smile politely? What if I snotted as I said that fucked up thing? Would she cause a scene? "WOULD YOU JUST GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME? JESUS!" Or maybe: "Right the fuck on! Wanna go barhopping when we get back into the city?" I guess I'll never know. Chloe Sevigny is really into that book. What's it about? Cellini? Who's that? I'm paying off a $30,000 student loan and I don't know who Cellini is. Chloe Sevigny knows who Cellini is. Maybe I should ask: "Hey Chloe Sevigny. Who's this 'Cellini' character?" Wait. She's fussing. Now what's she going to do? Aha! She's pulling out an iBook. She's typing on it and putting buds in her (big) ears. Is she just gonna leave that sub on the floor like that, half-eaten? "Hey Chloe Sevigny. Do you mind if I have a bite of your sub?" Chloe Sevigny sure is boring. I wish she'd have a loud argument on her cell with someone cool and famous. Or maybe somebody completely random like Debbie Reynolds. She's carrying around a J. Crew bag. Chloe Sevigny shops at J. Crew? Why? Does she think she's being all incognito? Celebrities are complicated. Drinksalot The Sexless Troll is standing in line to board American Airlines Flight 366 behind Chloe Sevigny The Incognito Hipstress. She looks cold. Should I rub her to warm her up? "Hi." I say. "Hi." She smiles the sweetest smile ever and then kind of wobbles backward into a cart-thing and sort of blushes. Celebrity cuteness. *Sigh*. Maybe celebrities are ethereal sprites who materialize before mortals to charm the shit out of us and put love in our hearts. Foxy Brown. Mmmm...nah. August 29 'End Of The Line' Plays Katamari And Feels Happy Pretty Candy Princess!End Of The Line has a lot of downtime until The Festival People welcome us into their shiny lairs up there in midtown so today we sat ourselves down with a case of forties and played us some Katamari for most of the morning and almost all of the afternoon.
For the uninitiated, Katamari is a video game with a loungey Pink Lady soundtrack. The storyline, such that it is, is an unintelligible load of silliness about your uncle King Yoshi assigning you the task of creating stars and universes while picking up your cousins Johnson, Tits, and Bad Touch. You must roll a ball of accumulated pastel things (including screaming kitty-angels, continents, engagement rings etc. etc.) and as your ball gets bigger your able to pick up more, larger weird, cute things. The cute things don't get hurt of course, they just hang on and scream/babble cutely. If you fall short of celestial success you are shamed and banished or uncle King Yoshi puts you in a cab or something.
We at End Of The Line know it's a little late and we stand by our product ('End Of The Line', a juggernaut of entertainment) but we'd like to pitch 'Katamari: The Series' to you Festival People. Here goes:
'Katamari' is 24 meets My Little Pony meets Run Lola Run meets Horton Hears A Who. Sandra Oh or maybe Linda Hunt or possibly Bjork or someone really really twee like that gets the ball rolling, running through a CGI generated land of product tie-ins. It's a race against the clock as Bjork/Hunt/Oh runrunrun acumulating kitties, issues of Vogue, and special guest stars while Denis Leary as Cousin Bad Touch rides around evasively on the back of a manta ray. We're thinking Ed Asner for uncle King Yoshi (Yuri?).
Whaddya think? August 28 iTunes Celebrity Wishlist: 'End Of The Line' GuysParis Hilton Does Patti Smith: Let's face it: Patti Smith is old & fugly. Who better than Paris Hilton to kick that punk granny's career into high gear than America's Favorite Skank covering such chestnuts as 'Dancing Barefoot (ft. Fat Joe)' and 'Because The Night (ft. Ciara, Pink, Kelis, Mya, Cassie, JoJo, Fantasia, Martika, Vanity, Appollonia etc. etc.). It's bound to happen. You know it is.
Boy George Does Roxy Music: 'Love Is The Drug' would finally make sense what with that hassidic tranny breaking it down for us.
Sinead O' Connor Does Prince: Wait. That already happened. Which explains why toilets flush backwards in New Zealand.
Clap Your Hands Say Yeah Sings Like They Got A Pair: How do they sing that warbley shit with a straight face? It's kind of like Droopy Dog singing Carmen Miranda.
Funkadelic Does Carol Channing: Now this is no joke: Listen to 'Soul Mate' off of 'Hardcore Jollies'. You will swear that Carol Channing pulled a Yoko in cahoots with George Clinton and stepped in to front his band. Totally weird.
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