END OF THE LINE

What To Wear, What To Wear: Project Target'

Tue, 12 Sep 2006 01:21:22 GMT

'EOTL' has several NYTF events at which to strike a pose this week and we don't have one damn thing to wear. We want to come off edgey but not douche-y, clean but not cloying, creative but not batshit, SexyBack not SexAddicted...

So we allotted ourselves eighty-five bones and some change from the EOTL Marketing kitty and we let ourselves loose on the workingman's fashion boutiques of Brooklyn for sassy makeovers and Whole New Lives.

First up: Baume coiffant. Sounds fruity but hair product is all-important especially in this day and age of Metrosexual Not-Really Gay Rights and Queer-Seeming Liberation and whatnot. We went with Dixie Peach because it looks like lard, smells like Gramma, and for two bucks or so you get a tub of the shit. More is more!

Next: Q-Tips. Ear Wax is an Ear Don't. Get up in there and swab, fellas!

Shirts. Who doesn't like 'New York Fuckin' City' shirts? And since this is the New York Television Festival, Team EOTL is proud to splay our 'tudes across our freshly plucked chests. Eat it, rest of the country!

Cologne: We rolled around in a borrowed issuse of Maxim magazine and viola! We smell like fresh money!

Unders: We went with Towncraft because with a name like 'Towncraft' it's gotta be good.

Pants: We hate ass-rosettes so we didn't get too fancy here...instead we blew our wad on can-flattening Dockers (our worked-out bubble butts are far too distracting...we want our work to speak for us, not our ginormous ghetto booties).

Socks: Hanes: The last word in man-hosiery.

Shoes: Plastic Ventilated He-Clogs, of course. We're gonna be on our feet all day and sensible shoes are key when you're trying to focus and be funny and charming and savvy and shit.

So. Lookin' good, feelin' good and the wallet survives with a few greenbacks for car service and Popeye's left over.

Suh-weet!

Pink-Haired Anime Samurai Dudes, Spoonie Gee Transmissions And Thou.

Sat, 09 Sep 2006 02:36:37 GMT

Okay, now is when 'End Of The Line' has to wake the frick up and face our co-Official Selections.

And so Team EOTL hunkered down, gathered around our laptops as we clutched our Smart Waters and watched the trailers.

Oh shit.

After we saw the trailers and wept softly, we huddled and decided to take the 'New York Actor Nominated For An Academy Award Approach' to the competition as none of us has agents who can make that decision for us:

AWARD CEREMONIES ARE DEMEANING! WHAT KINDA DOG AND PONY SHOW IS THIS? LITTLE MISS GOLDEN GLOBE CAN F*CK HERSELF! BOO! BOO, FASCIST TASTE-MAKERS! WE HATE YOU! THE NOMINATION IS HONORIFIC ENOUGH! THANKS! BOO! WINNING BLOWS/SUCKS!

...then we dialed-up our dear friend Satcheen Littlefeather who will sit in the audience in our stead should we in the off-chance win for Best Also-Rans.

We're hoovering Klonopin like its going out of style.

Networking/Starf*cking

Wed, 30 Aug 2006 19:50:23 GMT

So Drinksalot The Sexless Troll escapes from Wisco with landlords and The God Squad snapping at his heels. O'Hare Airport is a pleasant place to cool one's jets, particularly if there's a celebrity inhaling a sub immediately to one's left.

Gosh but that long-faced girl looks like Chloe Sevigny. What would Chloe Sevigny be doing at this American Airlines terminal all by herself and why is she reading that huge, post-it tagged book? Chloe Sevigny sure does eat with gusto. No napkin, Chloe? Wow. There's something endearing about celebs who eat everyday deli food instead of gourmet twigs and gravel or whatever it is that rich, famous people eat. This long-faced girl is definitely Chloe Sevigny because she's doing that incongruously prim lip-pursing, hair tucking business that Chloe Sevigny is rumoured to do. What if I just walked up to her and said

"Hey Chloe Sevigny, we share the same birthday!"

It's like looking down from a bridge and wanting to jump just because you can. I want to lose control and say something really fucked up to her.

"Hey Chloe Sevigny, I'm an alcoholic too!"

Would she smile politely? What if I snotted as I said that fucked up thing? Would she cause a scene?

"WOULD YOU JUST GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME? JESUS!"

Or maybe:

"Right the fuck on! Wanna go barhopping when we get back into the city?"

I guess I'll never know.

Chloe Sevigny is really into that book. What's it about? Cellini? Who's that? I'm paying off a $30,000 student loan and I don't know who Cellini is. Chloe Sevigny knows who Cellini is. Maybe I should ask:

"Hey Chloe Sevigny. Who's this 'Cellini' character?"

Wait. She's fussing. Now what's she going to do? Aha! She's pulling out an iBook. She's typing on it and putting buds in her (big) ears. Is she just gonna leave that sub on the floor like that, half-eaten?

"Hey Chloe Sevigny. Do you mind if I have a bite of your sub?"

Chloe Sevigny sure is boring. I wish she'd have a loud argument on her cell with someone cool and famous. Or maybe somebody completely random like Debbie Reynolds. She's carrying around a J. Crew bag. Chloe Sevigny shops at J. Crew? Why? Does she think she's being all incognito? Celebrities are complicated.

Drinksalot The Sexless Troll is standing in line to board American Airlines Flight 366 behind Chloe Sevigny The Incognito Hipstress. She looks cold. Should I rub her to warm her up?

"Hi." I say.

"Hi." She smiles the sweetest smile ever and then kind of wobbles backward into a cart-thing and sort of blushes. Celebrity cuteness. *Sigh*. Maybe celebrities are ethereal sprites who materialize before mortals to charm the shit out of us and put love in our hearts.

Foxy Brown.

Mmmm...nah.

'End Of The Line' Plays Katamari And Feels Happy Pretty Candy Princess!

Tue, 29 Aug 2006 20:43:10 GMT

End Of The Line has a lot of downtime until The Festival People welcome us into their shiny lairs up there in midtown so today we sat ourselves down with a case of forties and played us some Katamari for most of the morning and almost all of the afternoon.

For the uninitiated, Katamari is a video game with a loungey Pink Lady soundtrack. The storyline, such that it is, is an unintelligible load of silliness about your uncle King Yoshi assigning you the task of creating stars and universes while picking up your cousins Johnson, Tits, and Bad Touch. You must roll a ball of accumulated pastel things (including screaming kitty-angels, continents, engagement rings etc. etc.) and as your ball gets bigger your able to pick up more, larger weird, cute things. The cute things don't get hurt of course, they just hang on and scream/babble cutely. If you fall short of celestial success you are shamed and banished or uncle King Yoshi puts you in a cab or something.

We at End Of The Line know it's a little late and we stand by our product ('End Of The Line', a juggernaut of entertainment) but we'd like to pitch 'Katamari: The Series' to you Festival People. Here goes:

'Katamari' is 24 meets My Little Pony meets Run Lola Run meets Horton Hears A Who. Sandra Oh or maybe Linda Hunt or possibly Bjork or someone really really twee like that gets the ball rolling, running through a CGI generated land of product tie-ins. It's a race against the clock as Bjork/Hunt/Oh runrunrun acumulating kitties, issues of Vogue, and special guest stars while Denis Leary as Cousin Bad Touch rides around evasively on the back of a manta ray. We're thinking Ed Asner for uncle King Yoshi (Yuri?).

Whaddya think?

iTunes Celebrity Wishlist: 'End Of The Line' Guys

Tue, 29 Aug 2006 02:32:46 GMT

Paris Hilton Does Patti Smith: Let's face it: Patti Smith is old & fugly. Who better than Paris Hilton to kick that punk granny's career into high gear than America's Favorite Skank covering such chestnuts as 'Dancing Barefoot (ft. Fat Joe)' and 'Because The Night (ft. Ciara, Pink, Kelis, Mya, Cassie, JoJo, Fantasia, Martika, Vanity, Appollonia etc. etc.). It's bound to happen. You know it is.

Boy George Does Roxy Music: 'Love Is The Drug' would finally make sense what with that hassidic tranny breaking it down for us.

Sinead O' Connor Does Prince: Wait. That already happened. Which explains why toilets flush backwards in New Zealand.

Clap Your Hands Say Yeah Sings Like They Got A Pair: How do they sing that warbley shit with a straight face? It's kind of like Droopy Dog singing Carmen Miranda.

Funkadelic Does Carol Channing: Now this is no joke: Listen to 'Soul Mate' off of 'Hardcore Jollies'. You will swear that Carol Channing pulled a Yoko in cahoots with George Clinton and stepped in to front his band. Totally weird.

EOTL Presents Its Own First Annual 'Hot/Not So Hot' List.

Mon, 28 Aug 2006 04:08:13 GMT

HOT

Hot Game Show Network Game Show Panelist: Joyce Bulifant, Match Game '75

This sass-mouthed firecracker was the queen of sexual innuendo. Did anybody notice in the '70's? No. Why? Because everybody was busy having tons of sex in the 70's.

NOT SO HOT

Not So Hot Subway Line: The 'L' Train.

The 'L' in 'L' Train stands for 'Lies'. The 'L' Train is The Unicorn of NYC subway lines. Few late-nite, sleepytime straphangers have witnessed an actual 'L' Train in all its fully-functional glory.

HOT

Hot Adjective: Terrific!

Let's reintroduce 'terrific!' back into the lexicon. When your lover brings you to climax, say "honey, that was terrific!" and watch his/her eyes mellow with gratification.

NOT SO HOT

Not So Hot Moisturizer: Butter

Let's face it: Slathering our bread with real creamery butter makes our expensive thongs submerge into flat vistas of dimply flab. And with all the butter substitutes out there (e. g. "Fuck Me Running! I Can't Believe This Crap Ain't Fattening!") there's no excuse not to soak our food in paint-flavored chemical hybrids.

HOT

Hot Body Part: Ass

Mmkay? 'Nuff Said.

NOT SO HOT

Not So Hot Ironic Fashion Statement: Underwear

Underwear is so Sears Catalogue circa 1982. It's not funny anymore.

Daily Gawker Stalker: EOTL Trolls Look Tired, Unkempt.

Sat, 26 Aug 2006 15:56:34 GMT

Drinksalot The Sexless Troll

LaGuardia Airport Shuttle Bus

August 15th @ 5:15

I was just lounging, sipping fabulous cocktails on the shuttle bus with my BFF Mario when we both looked up at the same time and ohmagawd one of the EOTL trolls, I think it was the drunk one, was looming over us like a freaking yeti! He looked tired, unkempt.

Intensie The Hotblooded Troll

Somewhere Around Marquee/Scores on 9th(?) Avenue

August 19th @ 4:30 am

I was just lounging, blowing rails off the curb at bartime, when something told me to look up and there was one of the EOTL trolls, I think it was the screamy one. He was carring a venti Dunkin' Donuts ice coffee and yelling loudly to himself or at a cop. He looked tired but stylish.

Pokerface The Deadpan Troll

Gramercy Park

August 21st @ 1:23 pm

I was lurking around Gramercy Park cursing myself for not having a key when allofasudden I looked to my right and there was one of the EOTL trolls sporting a papoose w/ baby (the other white meat!) with a luminous, eternally pregnant Michelle Williams on his arm. Judging from the lack of modulation in his voice, I'm thinking it was the Pokerfaced Deadpan dude. He looked tired but fertile.

Escape From Wisco.

Sat, 26 Aug 2006 00:51:58 GMT

And so The Troll Wars raged...sort of reminiscent of the good vs. evil battle waged in Stephen King's 'The Stand' but really more in line with the passive-aggressive 'don't you touch me' stratagem employed in Judith Guest's 'Ordinary People': Much pearl-strand clutching, anguished hand-wringing and distressing amounts of box-wine drinking transpired. I reference 'The Stand' here only because an interested party stress-puked and some truly malevolent stinkeye was shot over a Sunday Brunch menu.

After several rounds of resigned sighing and condescending back-patting it was decided that Drinksalot The Sexless Troll must find his way back to The Land Of Christless Cavedwellers: New York City.

And so that happened. Drinksalot attempted to sublet his apartment without much success but he bought his Jetblue ticket to Gotham anyway because he was convinced that he loved NY, that NY truly was the island of broken trolls and that there was where he belonged. Plus The Little Play he had something to do with had achieved a certain degree of success thanks to someone seeing it and liking it and choosing it to be An Official Selection.

Pack It Up And Sell The Farm Drinksalot The Unsexed Troll! Hey! NYC!...There's A New Troll In Town (Again)!

Method Troll Makes With The Freak-Freak

Thu, 24 Aug 2006 16:04:29 GMT

Intensie The Hot-Blooded Troll: SOUNDS GOOD ERN!!!!!!

Pokerface The Deadpan Troll: Um...less Gilbert Gottfried, more James Gandolfini.

Intensie The Hot-Blooded Troll: SOUNDS...GOOD...Ern.

Pokerface The Deadpan Troll: Okay, less Shatner, more Matthew Broderick.

Intensie The Hot-Blooded Troll: BA-HA-HA-HA!! Sounds Good Ern.

Pokerface The Deadpan Troll: Did I say Mickey Rooney in 'Breakfast At Tiffany's'? I meant John Cazale in 'The Godfather, Part II'. From the top...

Intensie The Hot-Blooded Troll: Sounds delightful Ernest.

Pokerface The Deadpan Troll: Um...

Intensie The Hot-Blooded Troll: I was going for Ian McKellan.

Pokerface The Deadpan Troll: Think the opposite of Ian McKellan.

Intensie The Hot-Blooded Troll: Sounds good motherfucker.

Pokerface The Deadpan Troll: Okay Sallyboy doesn't go around swearing like he's Dave Chappelle. Try not to improvise. Again.

Intensie The Hot-Blooded Troll: Sounds good *sob* Ern.

Pokerface The Deadpan Troll: What's wrong?

Intensie The Hot-Blooded Troll: I need a moment here...

Pokerface The Deadpan Troll: This is a comedy. Pull yourself together.

Intensie The Hot-Blooded Troll: Sounds Good Ern.

Pokerface The Deadpan Troll: That's a wrap.

Intensie The Hot-Blooded Troll: WHAT?! NONONONO THAT SUCKED!! Herehere...just one more take...

Pokerface The Deadpan Troll: I think we have what we need.

Intensie The Hot-Blooded Troll: Mmmpf grummpf ernpf.

Pokerface The Deadpan Troll: Flipper?

Intensie The Hot-Blooded Troll: Dude! Heath Ledger!

Pokerface The Deadpan Troll: Get some rest.

Kicking Against The Pricks.

Wed, 23 Aug 2006 18:22:38 GMT

Dear Cousin Dementia The Born-Again Harpie:

Shut it up.

No, seriously.

I went to Church once and either Church can't afford to stock up on some real liquor or the barkeep took an extended smoke break but a finger of Cold Duck and a Triscuit didn't quite cut it for me. I don't actually see the point in shaking your neighbor's hand and clapping him on the back if you can't amble over to the damn bar and buy the sonofabitch a scotch.

And as for our Little Play, it features bestiality, a little idolatry, and a lot of homosexual innuendo. No chanting and/or testifying as far as we know.

Nyaah,

Cousin Drinksalot The Sexless Troll

...and then the troll wars began.

Cousin Dementia The Born-Again Harpie Has A Dream And It Is This...

Wed, 23 Aug 2006 00:20:49 GMT

...that those rude, godless New Yorkers wake up and realize that 'End Of The World' is righteous entertainment for The Little Ones and they award the prize for Best Little Play Ever Made to EOTW. She then dreams that Cousin Drinksalot died and went to Hell but all of a sudden he realizes The Error Of His Ways, prays for salvation and actually escapes Hell and claws his way to Heaven Up On High.

She promptly emails Cousin Drinksalot every little detail of her prophetic dream.

Meanwhile, in Bellmore, Long Island, a troll screams politely at his reflection in the mirror.

More Hot Troll Action.

Tue, 22 Aug 2006 21:10:41 GMT

For a time the trolls were content. But unease soon rolled in like inky-black thunderclouds...

Far out on Long Island, long into the night, Pokerface The Deadpan Troll practiced screaming.

"Ahh.", he emoted.

Way up in Westchester, Intensie The Hot-Blooded Troll cursed the darkness and raged at the disparity in salary for public and catholic school teachers.

"AHHHHHHHRGGGDEARGODWHYYYYY???!!!!!!", he screamed.

Way out in Wisconsin, Drinksalot The Sexless Troll poured himself a drink and checked his email.

"Oh, darn.", he sighed.

SUBJECT: Jesus' Love For You Is Awesome.

Dear Cousin Drinksalot The Sexless Troll:

Whereas Jesus loves your abstinence, he's not real fond of your willful dipsomania. God (Who Is A Righteous, Loving God) hates boozehounds! Me and my church will pray for your deliverance! :)

How you? How's your little play coming along? I think "End Of The World" is a darling title and a cartoon about The Rapture is exactly what this carnal, heathen world deserves. Blechh. I get gooseflesh just thinking about hot hands and roadhouse whisky.

"Love" you and please consider walking hand in hand with Our Lord Jesus,

Cousin Dementia The Born-Again Harpie

The Hills Have Eyes! (A tale featuring three trolls and a whoot-whoot war)

Tue, 22 Aug 2006 19:11:05 GMT

Once upon a time three trolls found each other on Craigslist and decided to produce a cartoon just for shits and giggles. The three trolls names were Drinksalot, Pokerface and Intensie. Drinksalot, the brokest troll in the land, freaked out and decided to leave The Fiefdom Of New York "forever and ever" "never to return" "I hate this goshdarn stinkhole" (KIDS: don't be a foulmouthed little troll like Drinksalot). So Drinksalot packed up his crap and scrammed back to the faraway empire of "Wisconsin".

Tragically, no one told Drinksalot that not only can you not go home again but fly-over country is fly-over country for darned good reason.

And why did Drinksalot banish himself so rashly? Cheap rent, cheaper beer, nostalgia for grass and wildlife (Hello? Central Park? Heard of it?). Things looked bleak for Drinksalot in the land of deer murderers and Packer zealots, but Pokerface The Deadpan Troll called daily, poking and prodding Drinksalot into a hyperproductive state, while Intensie The Hot-Blooded Troll IMed vessel-popping feedback. Drinksalot The Celibate Troll wrote a godawful novel, an album's worth of self-pitying ballads, and about a thousand drafts of End Of The Line, including an episode involving Journey's Steve Perry and a moose (oooh....that's a good one...stay tuned). The three trolls enjoyed their virtual companionship very much.

...but lurking in the hills of Wisconsin were born-again relatives and embittered, blogging exes...to be continued...

Team EOTL Telecommutes Hands Free (Hold Our Moccacino, Baby & Cigarette While We Log On Please)

Tue, 15 Aug 2006 22:37:46 GMT

EOTL has been hashing over the finer points of our "little play" online exclusively for so long, we doubt we'll recognize each other when we finally come together over drinks this weekend. Thank god for booze: EOTL will be arm in arm, swaying and braying 'Tiny Dancer' like long lost mates in no time at all.

Who could have predicted we'd make it this far.

If we've learned one thing at all over the past fourteen months, it's this: Emoticons can't quite capture the discomfort that follows a particularly depressing gag proposal.

Not like "um…" can. "Um…" is chilling. "Um…" hurts.

Missing from the reunion will be fifteen-year old Joey Martin, Joey is roughly the size of Prince, is home-schooled and prefers ukeleles and glockenspiels to boombastic beats or System Of A Down. At the eleventh hour, Joey stepped up and laid down "New Team In Town", the theme for 'End Of The Line' having been urgently emailed these instructions:

Subject: OH DEAR GOD HELP US!!!

Joey:

Hey we're in a jam. Can you sing these lyrics (think Bing Crosby) over tinkly glocks and dorky ukes?

Feel free to overproduce it.

The whole thing should remind us of that godawful Linda Lavin TV theme that made us all sick back in the 70's (listen to attached mp3).

Don't forget to scat!

Thks, Team EOTL

p.s. can u get this to us by, say, tomorrow?

…and whaddya know, next day there's a note from Joey in our mailbox with his lovely, baroque track attached. Can you believe it? We were floored.

It's been like that for Team EOTL. Our endeavor has had a scrappy M.A.S.H.-unit, jerry-rigged feel to it from the very beginning. We feel a little dizzy and a lot relieved that we managed to pull this thing off. It looks like we're in it for the long haul. 'End Of The Line' is only the beginning, indeed.

Btw, anybody have a fake i.d. for Joey? Just kidding. Here's to you, little dude (think royalties).

Photo Album: End of the Line

Fri, 25 Aug 2006 02:18:50 GMT

End of the Line

Group Shot

Panty Shower

Ralph's Sale

Wedding

Skeletel Sallyboy

Sounds good Ern

Custom List: Synopsis

Thu, 24 Aug 2006 15:16:18 GMT

Synopsis

END OF THE LINE
Rod Roy is a disgraced former professional rod-hockey figurine who hopes to one day recapture his former toy-glory while living in shadowy obscurity just outside of sunny, suburban Sandy Duncan, Florida.
However...
His fortunes appear to change when he meets retired electric football “semi-legend” Ernie Gillis while haunting A.D. Sports Collectibles, conveniently located in Sandy Duncan’s vast, vulgar Grand Mall.
And so...
Quite literally thrown together, the two has-beens embark upon a quest to land lucrative product endorsements and cameo appearances playing "themselves" in film & TV.
Finally...
The wobbley-orb store proprietor and his one-eared Dutch Post-Impressionist employee round out the unconventional cast of characters.

Custom List: 2006 Finalists

Tue, 15 Aug 2006 22:14:25 GMT

2006 Finalists

Custom List: 2005 Finalists

Tue, 15 Aug 2006 22:12:53 GMT

2005 Finalists

Custom List: NYTVF

Tue, 15 Aug 2006 22:09:26 GMT

NYTVF